I had my fifteenth cystoscopy last week, it turned out to be the fifth one where we saw something on the screen. Not a great average is it?
My Urologist and I spotted a couple of tiny bumps near the entrance to the urethra and both groaned simultaneously through our masks. My stomach plummeted to my bare toes and I inhaled deeply and consciously.
Beforehand, I’d been connecting to my inner guru more than usual, trying to let go of my expectations and remain positive yet not overinvested in the results – tremendously difficult! I’d been inspired to by some yoga theory. Aparigraha – from Pantangali’s eight limbs of yoga – which translates from the Sanskrit into non-covetousness or non-attachment. But is also letting go of expectations about what you think should happen. I’ve found that the should’s are where a lot of my stress can lurk – the difference between what is happening and what I think should happen. Case in point the bumps.
Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean not caring it means being open to the range of feelings and experiences that life brings:
- happiness and sadness
- effort and ease
- work and play
- sunshine and rain
- success and failure
- cancer and non-cancer
It’s a reminder that the difficult times are often an opportunity for growth and renewal. It reminds me that without that first “bladder flower” on the cystoscopy screen I probably wouldn’t be:
- as invested in my health
- as regular in my yoga practice
- as connected to myself
And I wouldn’t be writing this at all. It wasn’t an ideal result by any means but it’s not the end of the world or a threat to my overall health and happiness. I’ve been quite introspective these last few days after the flurry of spreading the news. I’ve been listening to that inner guru who is always there and ever wise but easy to miss in the tumult of life.