“…I’ve been feeling fearful and emotionally a bit out of sorts lately and have tried to identify why.” Portrait mural in Berlin – photo by howlzap Cologne

I’m undergoing six weeks of therapy with EMDA and Mitomycin at the moment. It’s a full-time job having and recovering from treatment. The EMDA allows the Mitomycin to enter more deeply into the bladder lining and combat any cancer there. It knocks me out and creates some spasms, headaches and fatigue. I recover each week in time for the next one.

As well as physically weak I’ve been feeling fearful and emotionally a bit out of sorts lately and have tried to identify why. I’ve tracked the feelings back to spending 24 hours in the hospital every week mainly with patients in severe pain after surgery. It’s not the patients, they’re friendly and welcoming but the ‘future fear’ of my bladder cancer progressing. The fear that I would require major bladder removal surgery hovers like a cloud over my bed and head.

Last week the cloud grew darker during the doctors’ rounds. The head doctor asked how I was and then rather bluntly stated “Well let’s hope the treatment works or we’ll have to remove the bladder.” I was shocked that I was considered just a recurrence away from losing my bladder and could only nod in agreement.

My yoga brain says, “Let it go” and “Release the fear, you’re on the right healing track” but the ‘future fear’ lingers despite meditating on it and grounding myself through yoga. A couple of years ago I watched a film on Louise Hay’s life and healing journey and last week found an online meditation called “Heal your Body” from a book by the same title. This recording is by Louise and even visualizes letting go of a string connected to a dark cloud. Well worth the 30 mins it takes to listen to it I’ve found it extremely helpful recently turning my ‘out of sorts’ back to a more positive mindset. Try it yourself!