“The nearer it gets the more I only have the test in sight.”
Eye mural in Cologne – photo by howlzap Cologne

There’s nothing like a thorough medical check-up to make you realize you are yourself.


No-one else can take your place to take the test it’s up to you.

If you close your eyes and think back, can you remember a check-up you’ve had?

Maybe you need regular cancer check-ups too, then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about in this post.

Otherwise the dentist’s is a little similar on some levels. In the case of a cystoscopy the results are instant. No waiting no wondering. You see the screen at the same time as the urologist and the nurse.

Thumbs up or thumbs down.

My recent check at the beginning of the month, was thumbs up I’m happy to say but the procedure reminded me how it feels.

Despite meditating regularly, I notice anxiety rising as the appointment looms.

My attention starts to close in.

The nearer it gets the more I only have the test in sight.

If I catch myself thinking about what will happen if it’s thumbs down, I change my focus refusing to go down that negative tunnel.

It will be as it is.

I’m doing all I can to influence the results and stay healthy.

I am healthy I tell myself.

My urologist is nervous too, he’s experienced too many thumbs down with me.

We anxiously scan the bladder displayed on the screen, my bladder, looking for any lumps and bumps.

Although it’s quite red and still scarred we both slowly realize there’s nothing unusual there.

No evidence of disease. NED

At once the heavy atmosphere lifts and we’re smiling.

Then I truly feel how anxious I was as it falls away suddenly leaving me delighted but completely emotionally drained.

My partner waiting outside is the first to know and we beam and hug and exhale DEEPLY.

We’re alright all is well for another three months.

I hope you too!