Each recurrence is actually a new diagnosis bringing back all the shock and sadness of that first one. Worrying about the future, worrying about the pathology report, worrying about the following treatments and worrying about how me and my family and friends are managing it.
Work, seeing and hearing from friends and gentle tv are good distractions from the worry. They keep it at bay, but it pops back in those quiet moments.
Yesterday 13 days after the recent cystoscopy I woke up from a fitful sleep feeling sad and sorry for myself. Three things helped lift this dark-stress-cloud:
- Some yoga flows centered me again and made me feel stronger and warrior like.
- Some meditation connected me to my inner spirit again.
- Some cycling through local green forest paths made me feel present and smile again.
In these weeks before the next operation I’m practicing letting go. Practicing:
- Letting go of worry about the future.
- Letting go of hoping for a positive outcome.
- Letting go of worrying about fitting things into my schedule.
- Letting go of trying to control any of this story.
I manage it for moments not hours or days – sometimes. Yoga and meditation teach us to let the emotions in, to sit with them to recognize them and then let them go.
The warrior part of me embraces this concept and enjoys the synchronicity of doing warrior poses whilst staying present with the feelings and emotions. This morning I did some YouTube yoga with Adriene and the Warrior 1 and Humble Warrior were magical.
True yoga is finding the peace off the mat too and acknowledging the potential gift of difficult situations in teaching us something meaningful.
The moments of letting go I have are almost always on the mat, but these nuggets build some warrior strength for off the mat.
Yoga with Adriene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pbuvhbg7po