“…my new focus isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, it’s a bright light here in the present.” Bright light in Cologne- photo by howlzap Cologne

I understood this week that I’ve been waiting for a light at the end of the bladder cancer tunnel. But there is no tunnel because there is no end. Whether the cancer is active or in remission I’m still a bladder cancer patient. I’ll always have to go for check-ups, perhaps at some point not as often as every three months, but always.

Since I was first diagnosed, I’ve been waiting to see that light at the end of the treatment tunnel. I’ve been counting down the Mitomycin treatments, ever diminishing from 42. I’ve been waiting to feel I was out of the worst dark part and somehow into the light. I now understand this is counterproductive because it’s striving for the next part, the next step nearer the end, living hopefully in the future. It’s counterproductive because any calm and strength I feel isn’t for the future it’s for the present and in the present. The silence of meditation brings me back to the present. The routine of yoga reminds me that my body is strong and capable of much more than I think, when I am present.

So, my new focus isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, it’s a bright light here in the present. To remember that I’ve actually been thriving despite having bladder cancer. People tell me I look well, happy and strong. Perhaps more importantly, I tell myself that I’m well, happy and strong.

I will continue to eat well and sleep well and endeavor to let go of stress. The upcoming operation and results might shift the medical treatment path slightly but the treatment I’m doing for the rest of me is on course and will stay on course. The light reminds me that my overall health is in my hands and the daily healthy habits I’ve adopted make a difference to a happy, healthy and strong present.