“I can’t help wanting to unzip the future and peer into 10 days from now to know the results and have the turbt operation behind me.” Zipped sky at Bahnhof Ehrenfeld Cologne by http://www.goodlack-art.com photo by howlzap Cologne

This post began during the long waiting periods of my 10th pre-op on Monday. Due to COVID things are organized so fewer people are waiting together but waiting is still the main activity. Waiting alone no support people allowed. The operation is on Monday 6 July.

It all becomes real when you smell that particular hospital smell, see familiar doctors and fill in the paperwork. I feel peaceful having cycled here through the forest after tea, meditation and yoga. I’ve been inspired by some yoga theory again. Ishvara  Pranidhana– from Pantangali’s 8 limbs of yoga – which translates from the Sanskrit into surrendering to or yielding to the divine or the flow of life. Being aware that if everything is one and connected everything unfolds as it’s meant to.

Yoga and meditation nudge me back to the present but my head wants answers and is curious about the future. I can’t help wanting to unzip the future and peer into 10 days from now to know the results and have the turbt operation behind me. I’ve had over three years of Mitomycin therapy. What next? BCG? This is Bacillus Calmette–Guérin treatment when a live vaccine is introduced into the bladder to strengthen its immune cells and prevent bladder cancer returning. Until now BCG has always been a slightly bigger gun than needed but now I find myself asking proactively about a low dose to try and stop these peskily recurring tumours. The doctor says BCG isn’t actually meant for my grade of cancer if tumours stay low grade and small it’s enough to take them out on their return. He says such recurrences are not unusual but then usually a) with a longer interim period and b) with progression to a higher grade. Let’s breathe and be calm and NOT try and unzip the future but let it come in its own good time and know all will be well