„I felt skinned-rabbit-raw and vulnerable,…“
Stree art by DOA in Cologne Ehrenfeld – photo by (c) howlzap Cologne

Just short of the two-year cancer free mark in June 2018, a tumour was spotted during the cystoscopy. I was devastated and broke down crying immediately- which strangely hadn’t happened when I was first diagnosed. But it was because the check-up was mid- chemo- week and stress and chemo-brain don’t mix well. I felt skinned-rabbit-raw and vulnerable, knowing that there were operations ahead and probably heavier treatment like BCG in the future. Knowing it can come back and experiencing it back are two quite different things.  My mind raced ahead and panicked a real case of “forward worry” and not staying present at all.

As I counted down the days until the next operation and cancelled holiday plans, I searched for some message from the universe about what it meant. Too much stress again? My workload had crept up and I’d been guilty of working longer than my reduced hours. I reread “Radical Remission” by Dr Kelly Turner looking for clues https://radicalremission.com/. There are nine factors that the cancer remission people she interviewed all had in common:

1 Change your diet

2 Take control of your health

3 Follow your intuition

4 Use herbs and supplements

5 Release suppressed emotions

6 Increase positive emotions

7 Embrace social support

8 Deepen your spiritual connection

9 Have strong reasons for living

I realized I’d focused more on the physical things and had neglected the emotional and spiritual. Intuition really kicked in when I stumbled across a couple of free online cancer seminars: these sessions helped me dive deeper into some issues. It was a tough summer of physical challenges and emotional soul searching. The mind and body connection revealed itself more completely to me – and bizarrely, I even forgave my bladder for causing me this grief. I started sending it more love and light when I meditated, and I became almost grateful for the opportunity.